got desire?

There are times in life where you are already so lost yet not know it.  You keep going and going, farther and farther from where you're supposed to be.  I know I need to stay close to the Lord.  I need to seek Him in all that I do.  I need to hear the beating of His heart so mine can be in tune with His.  In short, I desperately need Him and I know it.  But I choose to go my own way--then I get hurt, I get confused, I get lost.

However, the love of God just won't let you go.  He reaches out to you.  He speaks to you.  He keeps loving you.

Since last Sunday, the Lord has repeatedly reminded me that I am utterly helpless without Him.  I am like a deer that just couldn't go without water--I couldn't go on living without Him.  I struggle to move forward and accomplish those which the Lord has placed in my hand to do but I have neglected the very provision He gave me in order to prosper--His Word.  This is evident in my slackness in reading His Word.  My Bible reading plan says I should be in Exodus 20 but I am still in Genesis until now. This depraved heart knows what I should do but it continuously refuses to follow what's right.  Oh how I desperately need God's constant rescuing. 

This reflection continued even in my church history class.  We were talking about the Reformation and how it accomplished so much in the life of the church during that time.  But the challenge for change and renewal, not just within our churches but more importantly within each individual hearts, continues on even today.  Yesterday, we received the news that my husband's mother has already gone to be with the Lord.  I told Dindo that we are indeed getting older each day.  Before long, we'd hear more of these news of loved ones passing away or even we ourselves may die anytime.  Life is short.  Time flies fast.  At the end of all these, only what I've done with and for Christ would really matter.  This morning in chapel, Sir Bob Long spoke about how much we need to desire God to be part of our lives.  We need to ask God to place in our hearts a continual thirst for Him, His word and His will.  Oh Lord, may my heart's desire be more of You each day.  (By the way, this post's title "Got Desire?" was the title of Sir Bob Long's message in chapel today.)

Here is a song that has been playing in mind today.  

All I want is more of You
All I want is more of You
Nothing I desire Lord
But more of You
All I want is more of You
All I want is more of You
Nothing I desire Lord
But more of You
More of You

Jesus I am thirsty
Won't You come and fill me
Earthly things have left me dry
Only You can satisfy
All I want is more of You

Trail of Tears

In one of the devotional time my husband and I had we read about the Cherokee Indian's "Trail of Tears."  It was a time when they were forced to leave their ancestral homelands and relocate following the Indian Removal Act of 1830.  "Many Cherokee felt betrayed for accepting the money, but over 16,000 of their people signed the petition to pass the treaty. By the end of the decade in 1840 tens of thousands of Cherokee and Native Americans were driven off their land east of the Mississippi River. Oklahoma was the new home for the Cherokee which was promised by the federal government to last for an eternity, but that never happened. When Oklahoma became an official state of the United States in the first decade of the 20th century, Indian land there became lost forever and the Cherokee were then again forced to move farther westward. The Cherokee along with a number of other tribes such as the Choctaws and Seminoles lost their land through the Indian Removal act of 1830. One Choctaw leader portrayed the Trail of Tears as "A Trail of Tears and Deaths", the devastation of this event wiped the Native American population of the southeastern United States out of their home land (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trail_of_Tears).

I also have felt like I was treading a trail of tears since the beginning of the second semester.  The trail began with the Nordines' announcement of their retirement followed by their actual leaving on the 11th of December.  After they have left, I also began to sense a lot of issues coming up among the studentry--more particularly referring to the students' behaviors being inconsistent with the upheld standards of BTC.  

During the last few weeks, I have continued to ask the Lord how He was going to use me in these particular times.  I was asking the Lord from which of His dealings with me should I draw strength from.  I felt like I was pulled from different directions.  The trail became even more difficult when these issues have started to affect the whole community--the atmosphere became gloomy and sad, people (including myself) have become unusually quiet, gloomy, withdrawn and unmotivated.  I was just hoping that the week would end sooner than it should.

However, unlike the Cherokees' Trail of Tears and Deaths, this one I know is a Trail of Tears and Life.  Thanks be to God for His amazing grace.  I am truly convinced that the Lord counts the tears of those He loves.  After the pain comes healing and after sadness comes rejoicing for all those who love the Lord.

The Lord has reminded me many things some of which I am listing below.

1. I am a sinner just like everyone else.  I am as needy of God's grace as anybody.
2. I am God's child.  I am His responsibility.  He will take care of me and that's sure and certain.
3. My pain will never be wasted.  He is God Who is the recycling/restoration expert.  He knows what I am made of and He knows how to use them for His glory.
4. He is completely in control.  I may not be able to see the good in all these just yet but I  believe that He's got everything in His hands.
5. I am responsible for my own actions and responses.  I couldn't take responsibility for other's unforgiving and hostile response to the situation.

Lord, please forgive me, a sinner.  For indeed, I was sinking fast and deep in sin when You stretched out Your hand to save me.  Father, help me to love like you love.  May our Christmas be truly joyous even as we daily experience Your love and grace for us.  Amen.

Am I Really Busy?

Ooops is it 5:48pm?  Where did time go?   It's already dark outside my office window.  The students are having their dinner in the kitchen.  It's amazing how quick time flies.  The day ended really fast.  I don't even think I have accomplished enough. In fact the table still seems full with papers to check, records that need updating, readings that are long overdue...oh the list of things to do is just endless.

Am I really busy?  No, I don't think so.  I have enough time, just like everybody does, to accomplish much more.  Busy?  Nope.  Distracted, yes maybe.   I feel like a bug that has fallen belly up, all worked out but has gotten nowhere.  

Why am I like this?  Am I trying to drown myself so that I can escape reality.  Is this my way of grieving? I don't know.  But I am sure I need to focus and refocus at the same time.  I need to get my priorities right--to go beyond checking off items from my to do list and begin investing time in things that really matter like my relationships--with my Lord and with the people who are important to me. Oh how I want to savor the taste of my every meal and enjoy laughs and conversation more.  I want to linger listening to music and sermons.  I want to enjoy watching the bright colors of Christmas and the sweetness of its melody.  I want to slow down and feel every moment.

The words of the Psalmist is a reminder for me to "Be still and know that I am God" 

(Psalm 46:10).